remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
