I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize