I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
that may or may not have been my penis.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
