My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Randomize
