I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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