Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize