I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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