mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We're too hungover to prance.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
