My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
please come you make the beer taste better
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
