I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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