shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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