so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
