If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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