Ambien. No doubt about it.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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