Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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