She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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