What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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