So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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