forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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