I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
