I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
