You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
