I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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