shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
