So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
