dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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