I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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