No stitches, just platelets and will power
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
