I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
