I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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