I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize