I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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