he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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