I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
