I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
