seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
