You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
