walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
