How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
All the doctor said was why
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
