no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
