We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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