Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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