I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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