im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
