I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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