Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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