You smell like a Billy Joel song
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
