What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
