if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
