highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
