She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
