and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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