youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
