1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
50% drunk capacity currently
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize