Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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