this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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