and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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